Strax's Big Day Out
by LouBlue
Summary: Strax/11/Clara. A desperate call from Victorian London has the Doctor taking on a new companion. Sure, he's a little blood thirsty and might not be the sharpest clone who ever cloned, but what's the worst that could happen? The Doctor and Clara are about to find out. A series of one and two shots around this unlikely trio.
1. Prologue

**A/N****: Seeing as I love quirky characters and comedic stories, how can I not love the beauteous Strax? 3 So, I've got some ideas for a few one or two shot stories around the following premise. I'm hoping it'll be fun. **

**STRAX'S BIG DAY OUT**

**PROLOGUE**

Buttercup: We'll never survive.

Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.

~The Princess Bride~

The Doctor rapped on the impressive wooden door, Clara by his side. He grinned widely when the door was opened by a familiar face. "Ah, Jenny," he said jovially, "here we are, ready to save the day."

Jenny looked relieved to see them. "I'm so glad you're here, Doctor," she included the other woman in her greeting, "Clara and so is the Mistress. We've been havin' a right old time of it." Jenny stepped back to let them enter. "Come on through to the parlour. The Mistress is ready with the tea."

The Doctor rubbed his hands together gleefully. "Excellent. Everything always seems better over a cuppa tea, that's what I always say."

"Since when?" asked Clara in amusement as they followed Jenny down the impressive hallway.

The Doctor shrugged. "Since now, I guess. Traditions have to start somewhere." They walked into the parlour to find Vastra already pouring their tea.

She looked up and smiled at them warmly. "Doctor, Clara, so good of you to come on such short notice."

"You sounded a bit desperate on the phone," observed the Doctor as he and Clara took a seat and accepted their cups of tea.

Vastra made a vaguely impatient sound. "Strax has been making rather a nuisance of himself around town. The house of the Veiled Detective already garners enough attention as it is. We really don't need an angry mob on our doorsteps demanding to know the whereabouts of their pets."

"Pets?" repeated Clara uncertainly as she accepted the scone the other woman was offering her.

Jenny pulled a face. "Strax has developed a fondness for cats."

Clara bit her bottom lip. "You don't mean for their company, do you?"

Vastra sighed. "Unfortunately, no. Every cat he comes across now he chases down and well, I won't go into the details, but it's rather unpleasant."

"Is he-he's not-I mean, surely he isn't eating them?" asked a hesitant Clara. "Is he?"

"Cats are a reasonable source of protein," said the Doctor offhandedly, munching on a biscuit.

"He's poppin' them like hard candies," said Jenny flatly. "It was better when he just used to get into my sherbets. You should see the size of the hair balls he coughs up. It's like we've got Yeti's springin' up all over the place, it is."

Clara blanched and put down her cup of tea. "That's disgusting."

The Doctor shrugged. "Why? You eat cows."

"A cow isn't a cat," said Clara in distress.

"I know that," said the Doctor reasonably. "That's why they have different names. Although, interestingly enough, the same amount of letters in the words. Makes you think, doesn't it?"

"Think what?" asked Clara in consternation.

The Doctor waved a vague hand around. "About things and you know, other things."

"What other things?" Clara demanded to know.

"I fear we're getting away from the point," interrupted Vastra. She smiled amiably at them both. "I know it's an imposition, but Jenny and I wondered if you might consider taking Strax on a little outing or two?"

"Just for a bit," broke in Jenny eagerly. "So maybe he can get over his cat problem and let things die down a bit around here."

The Doctor's eyebrows shot up. "Oh," he said in surprise, "Strax, travelling with us?" He looked at Clara. "The three of us in my little blue box?" How was he meant to solve the puzzle that was Clara Oswald with a flat-footed, blood-thirsty Sontaran stomping around the place?

"The TARDIS is bigger than the entirety of London," pointed out Vastra calmly.

The Doctor wrinkled his nose. "I know, but a Sontaran wandering around the TARDIS. That could get tricky."

"Oh go on, Doctor," pleaded Jenny, "just for a bit. He'll be no trouble."

"That, Jenny Flint, is a bare-faced lie," said the Doctor, not to be drawn in. "You called me because he was nothing _but_ trouble."

Vastra's smile was serene. "But who better to handle trouble than the one who lives to bring order to chaos?" she asked smoothly. "Doctor, you're our last hope, our only hope. There is none other that could take on such a task and rescue us."

Twenty minutes later the Doctor and Clara were standing by the TARDIS, across from Madame Vastra's abode and he was studiously trying to ignore the giant smirk on Clara's face. "Shut up," he grumbled over her silent amusement of him.

Clara gave a little laugh. "You really are a soft touch, aren't you?" She shook her head. "A pretty face and a stroke of your ego and you'll do anything."

"Untrue," he huffed. "After thinking about I decided there wasn't much damage one Sontaran could do aboard the TARDIS." The Doctor's voice cracked over the name of his ship.

"Very convincing," Clara teased him. "You look pretty nervous to me."

"Well, I'm not."

"You're sweating."

"No, I'm not," said the Doctor hastily and glanced around at the snow piled up on the London streets. It wouldn't do for Clara to think he was worried, he was the one meant to be protecting her. "It's melted snow," he lied without thinking.

"It's not snowing."

Damn he hated it when she was observant but couldn't back down now. He drew himself up to his full height, towering over the much shorter Clara. "Down where you are maybe, but that's only because it's hitting me first and melting before it gets to you."

Clara made a show of looking carefully around herself. "And this snow," she quizzed him straight-faced, "would this be the special, invisible snowfall London is so famous for?"

"Snow can be all sorts of dangerous things," the Doctor said without thinking. "You should know that, Clara."

Her look was confused. "Why should I know that?"

The Doctor realised his mistake too late. "Oh, nothing, never mind," he said quickly. Standing there in the streets of Victorian London, it was a little hard to keep the different Clara's straight in his head. The Doctor promised himself he'd have to be more careful. To his relief, Strax appeared in the doorway, large brown suitcase in one hand. The Doctor was glad of the diversion. "Strax, this way!"

The short, thick-seat Sontaran clomped his way across the street to where Clara and the Doctor were standing by the TARDIS. He addressed them in turn. A brief incline of the head. "Doctor." A slight sneered touched his lips. "Boy."

Clara rolled her eyes. "This is going to fun."

The Doctor rubbed his hands together. "Yes, it is, giant bag loads of fun, funny, fun-fun," he said enthusiastically.

"Who are you trying to convince, me or you?" she asked wryly.

Strax stood to attention. "Madame Vastra has informed me of your need of my military skills. I look forward to the following days of bloodshed and dismemberment under your command, sir."

The Doctor looked over to where Vastra and Clara were standing in the doorway of the house, seeing Strax off. Jenny was suddenly fascinated with a nearby lamp post while Vastra just gave a little shrug and a smile. Apparently the two women had sold Strax on this little vacation with a slight massaging of the truth. The Doctor looked back at Strax and fixed a bright smile on his face. "Well, we'll see. We probably won't start with the dismembering right away seeing as Clara and I were doing some medium to light dismembering just this morning, isn't that right, Clara?"

"No," said Clara.

"You're being unhelpful," he hissed at her.

"I know," she replied, lips twitching. "Turns out I seem to enjoy torturing you." Clara's eyes were limpet pools of innocence as she gazed up at him cheekily. "Who knew?"

The Doctor opened his mouth to tell Clara she and the mystery surrounding her had been tormenting him since they'd met but fortunately Strax saved him from revealing too much yet again.

The Sontaran's face lit up and he practically bristled with excitement. "Torture?" he repeated eagerly. "I will fetch my other bag." Strax turned around to run back across the street but the Doctor quickly stalled him, grabbing his arm.

"That won't be necessary, Strax," he said hastily. "I-ah-have plenty of torture equipment onboard the TARDIS already. One suitcase will be sufficient." Just then a high pitched wail came from the suitcase Strax was holding.

"What was that?" asked Clara in concern, looking at the suitcase.

"What was what?" asked Strax, feigning ignorance. The noise came again.

"Strax," said the Doctor, tone long-suffering, "have you packed a cat in your suitcase?"

"No," said Strax quickly, too quickly. The sound of scratching came from the bag.

The Doctor sighed. "Open your suitcase, Strax."

"My suitcase only contains a change of clothing in case these become blood-soaked," he protested.

The Doctor folded his arms in front of himself. "Open the case, Strax."

"But if I open the case, they will escape," he protested.

"Your clothes will escape?" asked Clara sceptically.

Strax's eyes darted around evasively. "Yes."

"There will be no torturing, no blood-letting for the glory of the Sontaran Empire until you open that suitcase, Strax," said the Doctor firmly.

Strax made a petulant huffing sound but then he was placing the suitcase on the ground. As soon as he undid the clasp and opened the lid, three cats leapt out and ran for their lives. Strax refused to meet the Doctor's censuring gaze. "I have no idea how those creatures came to be in my suitcase," he said defensively. "They must have stowed away, wishing to become a part of the glorious battles which lay ahead of us."

"Yeah," said Clara mockingly, "that'll be it." She cocked her head. "Wait a minute, what's that?" Clara took a step forward and peered at Strax's the left hand side of his long, black coat. There was definitely something moving under the thick material. Clara's hand snapped out and she quickly threw open Strax's coat. Inside, peeking out from the internal pocket was a little tortoise-shell kitten. She gasped in disapproval, going to rescue it. "Strax!" Clara cuddled the helpless little kitten against her cheek. "How could you?!"

"Madame Vastra was unclear as to how long this campaign would last," protested Strax. His expression was of indignation. "Surely the provision of snacks for the journey cannot be questioned."

"And yet it is," said Clara determinedly. She waggled her finger at him. "This campaign is a kitten snacking free zone, you got that?"

"I will not be ordered about by such an inferior specimen," snapped Strax. "I will eat what I want, when I want. Remember that, boy."

Clara's mouth dropped open at the way Strax was looking her over rather ominously. "Are you threatening to eat me?" she gasped and then looked over at the Doctor in annoyance. "Doctor!"

The Doctor held up placating hands. "Nobody is going to be eating anyone else. It's the number one rule while travelling in the TARDIS."

"It is?" asked Clara in surprise.

The Doctor eyed Strax in resignation. "It is now," he said dryly. Strax was quickly closing up the suitcase. "Wait a minute," the Doctor stalled him. "What else have you got in there?"

"Nothing."

Clara wasn't convinced. "Last time you had nothing there were cats."

The Doctor crouched down beside the suitcase and opened it up properly. It appeared empty but there was an obvious false bottom which he pulled up to reveal all manner of weaponry. The Doctor looked up at Strax.

"I was uncertain of the extent of the size of your armoury, sir," said Strax. "I wanted to make sure we weren't caught unprepared."

The Doctor reviewed the contents of the suitcase. "Sunmasters, Unirapier, a Devizooka, magiorbs." He shook his head. "Oh, Strax."

"You fear it is not enough, sir?" asked Strax in concern. "I had the same worry. I will bring the other suitcases. There are only twenty-seven of them, it will take no time at all."

The Doctor deftly closed up the suitcase and straightened up. "This will be sufficient, Commander Strax. I'll just hold onto it for safe keeping."

"But-but, sir," protested Strax.

"Are you questioning my command, Strax?" asked the Doctor sternly.

Strax's shoulders slumped in defeat. "No, sir."

"Alright, soldier," said the Doctor firmly, "on board with you." He pushed the door of the TARDIS open and the dejected Strax stomped his way in.

Clara was just smiling at him. "The Helicopter ejection seat."

The Doctor sent her a confused look. "What?"

"It was formerly the worst idea in history," said Clara blithely, "but thanks to you, we have a new winner. Strax taking a holiday on the TARDIS while not knowing he's actually on a holiday. Worst idea ever."

The Doctor fought against smiling at her teasing. "Put down that kitten and get on board as well, young lady," he said with mock severity. "I won't be accepting anymore sub-ordination today. There will be stern punishments handed out if I don't see a drastic improvement in deference."

Clara's eyes twinkled. "Promises, promises," she sassed him, handing the Doctor the purring kitten.

The Doctor's cheeks flushed bright red as he tugged nervously at his bow tie at her unexpected cheekiness. Clara sashayed into the TARDIS with an unnecessary sway of her hips which the Doctor told himself not to watch but did anyways. "Oh my," he said anxiously, clutching the kitten too tightly to his chest and making it give a little mew of protest. The Doctor immediately loosened his grip. "Vexing creature," he complained to the tiny creature. "I don't know why I put up with her, I really don't." That was a lie, but it was a comforting one, so the Doctor let himself off the hook. With Strax secured inside the TARDIS, Jenny and Vastra must have decided it was safe to come closer. The Doctor looked them over, pretending to be miffed. "You realise you two owe me big time for this." He handed the kitten to Jenny and the weapon-filled suitcase to Vastra. "Big time."

"Goodness is its own reward, Doctor," offered up Vastra sweetly.

"Mm," muttered the Doctor, "we'll see about that. I'm telling you now, if Strax ends up causing Clara and I to die horrible, screaming deaths, I'm going to be very cross."

"As you should be," agreed Vastra reasonably. "I have great confidence that things won't come to that though."

"You do?" asked Jenny in surprise and then quickly retracted her shock when Vastra gave her a pointed look. "Oh, yes, definitely, my love, I agree one hundred percent." Both women sent the Doctor the sweetest of smiles.

The Doctor sighed. Clara was right, he was a soft touch...

**A/N****: And we're off and running, folks. LOL I've got a few little fun things planned for this unlikely trio. I'm open to suggestions as to what kind of capers people might like to see them all get up to. I make no promises but I'll see what I can do. ;) **

**Coming soon, CHAPTER ONE – THE GREAT HALL OF ARMAMENTS **


	2. CHAPTER 1 - The Great Hall of Armaments

**A/N****: Hey guys, thanks for joining me for the first chapter. I've had to break it up into two chapters. I don't know what you'll make of it but we'll see how we go, eh? Thank you to everyone who reviewed, faved and followed this story. It's much appreciated. :D **

**Chapter ONE**

**THE GREAT HALL OF ARMAMENTS**** – ****PART I**

Clara let out a long-suffering sigh and looked through gloomy light at the silver walls all around them. "Do you know even where we are, Doctor?" asked Clara, forcing herself to sound patient.

"I know where we're not," said the Doctor cheerfully.

"Right," said Clara with a roll of her eyes, "very helpful."

"It is actually," the Doctor said absently, turning in a slow circle as he took in his surrounds. "Often times knowing where you're not is more important than knowing where you are, Clara, remember that."

"I swear you just make these things up as you go along," said Clara flatly.

"You're in a mood," declared the Doctor, shining his sonic screwdriver he was holding directly in Clara's face. "Why are you in a mood?"

"How about because you're trying to blind me with that thing?" suggested Clara in annoyance, swatting at the glowing device to try and get the light out of her eyes.

"No," said the Doctor thoughtfully, "that's not it."

"I'm not in a mood, Doctor," she said shortly. "I just want to know where we are."

"Well, we're in an area below the ground that has air instead of particulate matter," observed the Doctor, finishing his examination of the dank space they were in.

Clara translated the Doctor speak into regular person speak. She arched an unimpressed eyebrow. "You mean a hole."

"If you want to suck all the magic out of it," said the Doctor, sounding a little miffed himself now.

"There is nothing magical about a hole, Doctor," said Clara in aggravation. "It's a hole."

"Lots of most excellent things come from holes," he said indignantly.

"Name three," Clara challenged him, folding her arms in front of herself.

The Doctor made a flustered sound. "Carrots," he said defiantly, "the Easter Bunny-"

"The Easter Bunny isn't real," she interrupted him.

The Doctor shone the light back in her face. "Are you sure about that?" he asked knowingly.

Clara rolled her eyes. "Don't play the mysterious, all-knowing alien card on me. I'm onto you, mate."

He gave an offended sniff. "I don't have time to stand around here and play games," said the Doctor with a dismissive wave of his hand. "We're in a hole. We need to get out of here."

"That's what I've been saying," said Clara in exasperation.

"You have to know where you are before you get to where you're going," argued the Doctor.

"Do you?" asked Clara with a surprised lift of her eyebrow, "You never seem sure of where you've been or where you're going Doctor."

"Untrue," he protested. "I know exactly where we are, generally speaking - Cornapulicia's third planet, Raiidan. Home to the Great Hall of Armaments. The largest collection of weapons and arms assembled in this Universe and on display for anyone who is interested. By anyone's standards, it's pretty spectacular."

Clara glanced around at their surroundings. "Pardon me for mentioning it, but this doesn't look particularly spectacular to me."

"That's because we're in a hole."

"You don't say."

The Doctor had decided a visit to the weapons museum would be right up their new shipmate's alley. As Strax had hurried off to change into his Sontaran uniform, telling them that it was a mark of respect for the monument, the Doctor had decided to have a look around. He'd taken a couple of steps out of the TARDIS and was having a moment to appreciate his surrounds. Clara had followed him, noting the strangely monochromatic colour theme of greys, whites and black all around them. The trees, the grass and the giant building in front of them were all different shades of grey. There was a long black path made of some kind of shiny black material which led up to the entrance to the Great Hall and they were just a few feet away from that path. All around them they were surrounded by a huge wall, encasing the entire hall and surrounding gardens. When Clara had walked up to the Doctor to stand beside him, the ground had suddenly given way and they'd found themselves in a hole at least twenty feet deep with metal walls. It would be impossible to climb the smooth walls, so, as of right now, they were stuck.

"It must be a security feature," mused the Doctor, still turning around and shining his light all over their nice, shiny prison. "Walk off the path and you end up in a hole."

"They should have a sign mentioning that," said an unimpressed Clara.

"They probably do," said the Doctor blithely. "We kind of jumped the queue a little and didn't come through the regular entrance."

"So, if this is a security feature, does that mean some security guard is going to come and help get us out?"

"I shouldn't think so," he replied distractedly.

"Really?" asked Clara in dismay. "So, what, they just leave people to rot in their holes?"

"Raiidanians are sticklers for the rules. If you don't follow them, then you're on your own."

"If you knew that, why didn't you land us on the black path?" asked Clara in frustration. "Or better still, outside, so we could read all the rules."

"Rules," sniffed the Doctors, "never been a fan. Where do rules get you when all is said and done?"

"Not in a hole?" suggested Clara pointedly.

"Well, yes," agreed the Doctor a little uncomfortably, "there is that."

Clara fixed a sweet smile on her face. "At least all isn't lost." Her gaze dropped down to the toboggan the Doctor had tucked under one arm. "We've got a toboggan, that's sure to be a big help in getting us out of this hole," she noted sarcastically. Clara had no idea why the Doctor had been so insistent on bringing the thing. There was definitely no snow around to use it with.

The Doctor looked at the toboggan and then back at Clara. "You wouldn't be saying that if knew this was a hover-toboggan," he said indignantly.

"It is?" asked Clara excitedly.

"Well, no," conceded the Doctor, "but how sheepish would you be feeling if it was?" He waggled a finger at her. "_Very_, that's how much."

Clara shook her head at him. "Bottom line, you've got no plan for getting us out of this hole you got us stuck in, is that what I'm hearing?"

"Technically we weren't in a hole until you came and stood with me," pointed out the Doctor. "Your extra weight must have triggered the mechanism."

Clara gave a gasp of outrage. "Did you just get me stuck in a hole _and_ call me fat?!"

"I didn't say you were fat," he protested quickly. "I just said you weighed enough to activate the security mechanism."

Clara glared at him, not placated in the least. "Because I'm so huge," she bit out, "right, that's what you're saying?"

The Doctor looked a little cornered. "Ah, no, not at all. You're not fat, you're rounded, there is a difference."

"Rounded?!" repeated Clara in horror. "I am not rounded!"

The Doctor gaze swept up and down her. "Bits of you are."

"At least I'm not a pencil in a bowtie," she threw back hotly.

"A pencil?" repeated the Doctor, sounding peeved.

Clara folded her arms in front of herself and raised a challenging eyebrow. "Yes, a pencil."

"I'm not a pencil," said the Doctor indignantly. "I'm lithe."

"While I'm just a huge podge, right?" she snapped.

The Doctor threw up his hands in despair. "How did we get here? Clara, you're perfect, everything on and about your body is perfect and there is not a single thing I'd change about you. Any man would be crazy not to go mad with desire over you."

Clara was a bit taken aback at the Doctor's words. "Oh," she said, not sure what else to say. The light was dim in their prison but Clara could swear the Doctor was blushing as there was a sudden, unexpected awkwardness in the air.

"Except for your nose, of course," he continued on hastily. "Obviously that's a huge disaster."

Clara was glad of the tension breaker. "Obviously," she agreed readily, happy to move on from the Doctor's words about any man wanting her. He wasn't technically a man, not being human and all, so Clara assumed he wasn't talking about himself. Right? Clara didn't exactly know what kind of an answer she wanted to that question as they both avoided looking at each other now.

"Strax," said the Doctor suddenly. "Strax will get us out of here."

Clara was less convinced. What she'd witnessed so far of Strax's problem solving ability didn't fill her with confidence. "He'll probably just suggest bombing our way out of here."

"Don't be ridiculous, boy. Clearly this situation calls for vapourising shells."

Clara started at the sound of Strax's voice coming from above them. She and the Doctor looked up to see Strax's domed head peering down at them over the opening of the hole.

"Ah, Strax," said the Doctor happily, "just the fellow."

"I shall fetch the vapourising shells, sir," said Strax eagerly. "Where is your armoury on board the TARDIS? I have not yet been able to locate it."

"I don't think this situation calls for vaporisation of any kind, Strax."

"But, sir," he protested, "casualties would be at a minimum. I estimate barely fifty percent. It is an acceptable risk."

"There's only two of us down here," squawked Clara.

"I won't lie, boy," said Strax offhandedly. "As the vastly inferior specimen, it will most likely be you who will be liquidised."

"Fat and inferior and about to become a soup," lamented Clara in disbelief. "I really am feeling special today."

"Nobody is fat and nobody is being liquidised," said the Doctor firmly. "Strax, go back into the TARDIS and fetch a rope. There should be one in the second door off the console room. Then tie one end to something sturdy and send the other end down to us."

"Really, sir, that seems a rather underwhelming means of escape."

"I'm not looking to whelm anyone, Strax, just get us out of this hole," observed the Doctor.

"Oh, very well," said a disgruntled Strax and stomped off.

The Doctor sent Clara bright smile. "You see, it's all sorted. Nothing to worry about."

"I'll reserve judgement until we're out of the hole," said Clara dryly.

A few minutes later Strax was dangling a rope down to them. "All systems are a go, sir."

The Doctor tugged on the end of the rope and nodded approvingly before making a sweeping gesture at their means of escape. "Ladies, first."

"I'm so glad I decided to wear shorts today," grumbled Clara as she took hold of the rope and started to climb up the wall. It was a bit tricky, because the walls were so smooth but she was managing it. At least, that was until whatever Strax had tied the other end of the rope to decided to give way. Clara didn't even have time to scream as the rope suddenly went slack under her hands and she was sent plummeting back down the ten feet or so she'd just climbed. Her arms flailed around, trying to find something to break her fall with but there was nothing. All Clara could do was brace for a painful contact with the hard ground below. That moment didn't come though, as all of a sudden, the Doctor was there, catching her deftly in his arms.

"Howzat!" he called out triumphantly while Clara just blinked at him, still in shock.

Suddenly a silver and grey blur whizzed past them from above and hit the ground with a noisy plop. The Doctor and Clara looked down at Strax who was now lying face down on the ground, in the hole with them now, with the rope and what looked like to be part of the railing of the TARDIS, wrapped around him. It seemed the railing had managed to hit Strax as it broke away and knocked him off balance so that he too, was now in the hole.

Strax scrambled to his feet and stood to attention for the Doctor. "Situation update, sir," he said quickly. "I am now in the hole too."

"Yes," said the Doctor calmly, "I had noticed, Strax."

"The boy's weight was too much for the railing I chose to anchor the rope to," continued on Strax.

Clara couldn't take it anymore slights about her weight and she lunged for Strax, still in the Doctor's arms. "Take that back!" she yelled, trying to punch him.

The Doctor struggled to keep her away from the unapologetic Sontaran. "Stop it, stop moving about!" he shouted. "You'll make me drop you."

"Then put me down if I'm so heavy!" she snapped.

"I didn't say you were heavy, I said you were wiggly," protested the Doctor but Clara was already struggling out of his arms.

She put her hands on her hips and glared at the Doctor. "In case you're wondering, I'm not having fun, Doctor," she said tersely.

The Doctor held up his hands in a placating fashion. "Alright, alright, lets everyone take a deep breath and calm down, eh? First things first, getting out of this hole."

"Sir, I have a plan," said Strax firmly.

The Doctor wrinkled his nose. "I was afraid of that. Very well, let's hear it."

"I will toss the boy up out of the hole with the rope attached and he can find something sturdier to tie the rope to this time."

Clara's eyes went wide. "You want to do what to me?"

Strax gave her concerned question a dismissive wave. "It should only take no more than three or four attempts until I have my eye in."

Clara looked up at the opening of the hole far above their heads. "You'll kill me on the first attempt," she said in dismay.

"That's a risk I'm willing to take," said Strax without hesitation. "Come here, boy."

"Doctor!" squeaked Clara, immediately moving to hide behind the Doctor as Strax advanced towards her with a determined look in his eye.

The Doctor held up an imperious hand. "Strax, no," he said firmly. "You are not to toss Clara, not now, not ever. Do you understand me? There is to be no launching of Clara, I'm putting my foot down."

"But, sir," blustered Strax, "it's the best solution to our problem and if the boy should be killed in the attempt, we'll have readily available protein with which to sustain ourselves if this situation continues for some time."

Clara gave a gasp of dismay and tugged on the back of the Doctor's coat as she continued to keep him between her and Strax. "Why is he always talking about eating me?" she hissed.

"It's only been twice," said the Doctor, trying to play peace keeper.

"If the conversation is about eating me, then once is too much," said Clara hotly.

"Nobody is being tossed, nobody is being eaten," said the Doctor resolutely, "because I have a plan to get us all out of here."

Clara's tone was sceptical. "You do?"

The Doctor sent her a reassuring smile. "Yes, I do and it doesn't involve anyone being tossed or eaten, how does that sound?"

"Like there hasn't been a very high bar set for ideas so far?" offered up Clara dryly.

"Well, no, you have a point," agreed the Doctor, "but for my idea, all we really need is this." He picked up the toboggan he'd dropped when catching Clara and held it up triumphantly.

Clara sighed heavily. "I'm listening, but my hopes aren't high, Doctor."

"Trust me, Clara, have I ever steered you wrong before?"

"You can't seriously want me to answer that."

The Doctor grimaced. "Possibly not." He brightened. "But never mind that, let's get out of here, hm?"

"Let's," agreed Clara wholeheartedly.

"If I'd been allowed to use the vaporising shells, we wouldn't be having this problem in the first place," muttered Strax under his breath.

"Not now, Strax," the Doctor admonished him and then handed him the toboggan. "Now, let's get started..."

**A/N****: Any ideas on what the Doctor's plan is? Will it work or just make the situation worse? ;) **


	3. CHAPTER 2 - The Great Hall of Armaments

**A/N****: Yay, I've gotten an update done for this story. :D I've actually been coming up with lots of ideas for these one shots (when I say one shots, it seems to take me at least three chapters to get them done, but that's pretty typical of me unfortunately .). Should be some fun coming up. **

**But in the meantime, let's see how are intrepid threesome are managing that hole situation, eh? ;) **

**Chapter TWO**

**THE GREAT HALL OF ARMAMENTS**** – ****PART II**

Clara eyed the makeshift structure in front of her with great trepidation. "I thought I was running away to see the universe," she said unhappily, "not to join the circus. I can't climb that." Propped up against one wall of their prison was the toboggan, sitting up on its side. Balanced on top of that was Strax and then perched on top of the Sontaran's shoulders was the Doctor. Even so, they were still probably at least six feet short of the top of the hole.

"Of course you can, Clara," said the Doctor brightly. "Nothing could be simpler."

"You all don't look particularly sturdy," Clara pointed out, fingers playing nervously with the rope tied around her waist.

Strax made an impatient noise. "Sir, this boy is useless. I suggest I exchange places with him and do the climbing myself."

"Strax, you weigh roughly the same amount as a Volkswagen," pointed out the Doctor practically. "So, that's a no to that idea."

Clara looked the compact Strax up and down. "He does?"

"Sontarans come from a planet with strong gravity, it compacts them," the Doctor explained. "There may not be much to Strax but what there is carries quite a lot of weight to it."

"Hold on, you're telling me Strax weighs the same amount as a car and yet I'm getting all the fat jokes?" asked Clara in disbelief.

"I wasn't making fat jokes," said the Doctor in exasperation from way above her head.

Clara put her hands on her hips. "So, you were serious then?" She made an indignant huffing noise. "I see."

The Doctor pulled a face. "Clara, I don't want to put any pressure on you here but we might be under a little time restraint here."

"What kind of time restraint?"

The Doctor gave a broad smile which Clara was beginning to learn he used when he was about to say something unsettling. "Well, it's nothing really, just that there is a slight chance that at some point there will be a clearing of this space."

"Clearing?" repeated Clara. "I thought you said no one checks on these traps?"

"When I say clearing, maybe a better word is sterilisation," said the Doctor and then gave another bright smile.

Clara definitely didn't like the sound of that. "Sterilisation how exactly?"

The Doctor pointed to the small holes which ran up and down the entirety of the walls surrounding them. "I'm going to say fire."

"What?" squawked Clara. "They're going to blast this hole with fire? We'll be killed!"

Strax appeared unconcerned. "Due to my suit and thickened epidermal surfaces, I shall probably only be horribly burnt beyond all recognition."

"Oh well, yay for you," said Clara unsteadily. She craned her neck to look up at the Doctor. "You said there was only a slight chance that would happen?"

"Did I?" asked the Doctor with feigned surprise. "Actually, when I said slight, I possibly meant more along the lines of one hundred percent certainty. I always get those two things mixed up." The Doctor's look was apologetic. "I'm sorry, Clara, but you're going to have to save us all. Think you can manage it?"

"No," said Strax flatly.

"Shut up, Strax," Clara snapped, a new determination coming over her. "Of course I can do it."

"Excellent news," said the Doctor excitedly. He held his hands down to her and wiggled his fingers. "Come along then Jack, time to climb the beanstalk."

Clara gave the totem pole of toboggan and aliens one last look of concern and then drew in a steadying breath. "Alrighty then, let's do this." Clara grabbed the front of Strax's uniform and hauled herself up so she too was balancing on the toboggan. "Cup your hands together," she instructed Strax.

"I still think my tossing idea was a better one," grumbled Strax, even as he cupped his hands for Clara to get a foothold on.

Clara put her into Strax's hand and then grabbed at the Sontaran's head as he easily heaved her weight up so she could now stand on his shoulders. She was now on Strax's shoulders and gingerly straightening up. Clara wrapped her arms tightly around the Doctor's waist and looked back over her shoulder at the ground below. She turned back to the Doctor. "There had better be a goose laying a golden egg at the top of this thing when I'm done," she warned him, sticking with the Jack and the Beanstalk theme.

The Doctor wrinkled his nose. "I'm more concerned about having our gooses cooked down here."

"Right, flaming death hole, I remember." Her look was expectant. "A little help?" The Doctor clasped his hands together and Clara manoeuvred herself so she could get her foot into the makeshift step and then she was grabbing at his shoulders to help herself up. With a bit of jostling around, Clara managed to haul herself onto the Doctor's shoulders as he grabbed the back of her legs to steady her. Clara craned her neck up. "I'm still too short," she said in frustration.

"Stand on my head," the Doctor offered. "Just don't mess my hair up."

Clara rolled her eyes. "You know what would really mess your hair up?" She didn't wait for an answer. "Fire."

"Excellent point."

Clara gingerly put one foot on the top of the Doctor's head. "You sure about this? I don't want to break your neck."

"Now who's making the fat jokes?"

"It wasn't a joke, it was a genuine concern," threw back Clara. "Your neck has to take all of my weight and necks weren't designed for that."

"Human necks maybe," said the Doctor casually. "Time Lord necks are extremely sturdy I'll have you know."

"Okay," muttered Clara, "on your head be it." _Literally_. She put all of her weight onto the leg which was standing on the Doctor's head and slowly lifted herself up, being very careful to keep her balance.

"Umph."

"What is it?" asked Clara sharply. She really was worried about his neck.

"Nothing," grunted the Doctor with feigned chirpiness. "You're as light as a feather. I've worn heavier hats." The strain in his voice belied that particular assertion somewhat.

Clara pulled a worried face and then looked up at the opening of the hole which was so tantalisingly close. She slowly raised her arms, being careful to keep her balance and just able to touch the edge of the opening. "I can reach!" she exclaimed excitedly. Clara gripped the edge tightly and used every bit of upper body strength she possessed to pull herself up. Once she'd lifted her chin up to the lip of the hole, Clara was able to stretch out one hand and dig her fingers into the grey grass of the surrounding lawn. Using that as leverage, she managed to claw her way out of the hole. Clara collapsed on ground, panting a little from her exertions. "I did it!" she called out, rather unnecessarily probably.

The Doctor's disembodied voice drifted up to her. "That's a huge weight off my mind."

Clara gave a little laugh, so happy to be out of that hole. She rolled over on her stomach and peered back down at him. "That's a horrible pun," she chastised him good-naturedly.

"I've made worse," said the Doctor unapologetically.

"I know."

"Oi," said the Doctor, taking mock offense.

"Don't move," Clara ordered them. "I'm getting you both out of there."

"And the toboggan," the Doctor called out as Clara scrambled to her feet. "Don't forget the toboggan."

Clara shook her head at the Doctor's obsession with that toboggan as she hastily undid the rope around her waist. She wasn't going to make the same mistake Strax had, choosing the most solid thing she could see... the TARDIS. Clara wrapped the rope around the TARDIS, tying it off and then rushed over to the hole and dropped the other end down to the others. "Heads up."

The Doctor grabbed at the rope dangling in front of him and scurried up it with impressive agility. He grinned at her when he was out. "See, told you, nothing could be simpler."

Clara couldn't help but smile at his enthusiasm. "Don't forget, we've still got to get Herbie the Love Bug out."

"Good point." The Doctor looked down into the hole. "Okay, Strax, your turn." He made a bit of a face at Clara. "This should be interesting. Sontarans aren't notoriously good climbers." In a louder voice, the Doctor was back to talking to Strax. "Show us those Sontaran climbing moves... and don't forget the toboggan."

"I am on my way, sir."

Clara and the Doctor watched Strax from the top of the hole as he jumped off the toboggan and landed with a heavy thud. He then took one end of the rope and tied it to the sled before taking a hold of the rope and starting to slowly walk himself up the wall.

The Doctor pursed his lips and shot a look back over his shoulder at the TARDIS as the rope went taunt from Strax's not inconsiderable weight.

"What?" asked Clara.

"Just trying to remember if I put the brakes on," mused the Doctor thoughtfully.

Suddenly the TARDIS started to slide towards them and then it abruptly picked up pace, whizzing towards them. The Doctor grabbed the stunned Clara and pulled her out of the way as they both watched the TARDIS disappear into the hole. "Looks like that was a no," he noted. "That's a bad habit of mine." The two of them rushed to look down at the hole. "Strax?" asked the Doctor hurriedly. "Are you alright?"

Strax popped out from beside where the TARDIS had landed on its side. "I am unharmed, sir."

The Doctor blew out a relieved breath. "Thank goodness."

"Situation update, sir," declared Strax. "The TARDIS is now in the hole with me."

"You know you really don't need to keep giving those updates," said the Doctor wryly.

Clara was still in shock. "How-how could that have happened? The TARDIS must weigh tonnes and tonnes, it's got a library and a swimming pool and gardens and-and hundreds of rooms. How could Strax move it like that?"

"I told you," said the Doctor. "I didn't put the brakes on."

"But-but-" Clara still didn't understand however the Doctor didn't seem to have time for questions.

"Alright then," he said determinedly. "We've got to get back in the hole."

"What?" asked Clara in dismay. "We just got out."

"Yes, but now the TARDIS is in the hole and we need to get it out. We'll just climb back down the hole, pop into the TARDIS and fly out." He smiled cheerfully at her. "Nothing could be simpler."

"You keep saying those words, but I don't think you know what they mean," said Clara flatly. "I've got a better idea. You go back down the hole and I'll wait here for you."

"Oh," said the Doctor a bit taken aback. "I suppose that could work too."

Clara folded her arms in front of herself and arched an eyebrow. "Well then, get on with it."

"Bossy," noted the Doctor.

"Not the point."

Strax's voice drifted up to them, eager to be of use. "Sir, shall I attempt to fly the TARDIS out of this hole?"

"No!" exclaimed the Doctor sharply, looking horrified. "Don't touch anything, Strax. I'm on my way down." He quickly sat down on the edge of the hole and then lowered himself down as far as he could by holding onto the edge. The Doctor then let go and fell the rest of the way to the bottom. He dusted himself off at the bottom. "Come on, Straxy, let's have another crack at this."

"Very good, sir."

As the TARDIS had landed on its side, the Doctor and Strax were forced to crawl in through the door as Clara watched from above. The door had no sooner shut when suddenly the hole erupted into a ball of fire as the clearing mechanism the Doctor had been concerned about kicked in. Clara was knocked off her feet by the whoosh of incredible heat which blasted up from the hole. She scrambled back onto her feet and looked back down into the opening. "Doctor!" she called out in concern, looking frantically about. The hole was empty now, the purging fire having done its job. "Doctor," she repeated in distress, heart pounding fearfully in her chest...

**A/N****: Next chapter shouldn't be too far away... and then it's off on our next adventure. ;) Thanks for reading. **


	4. CHAPTER 3 - The Great Hall of Armaments

**A/N****: Hey guys, thanks for coming back and checking out the next instalment of this story with me. :D **

**I really did think this chapter would see us wrap up the visit to the Great Hall... but I was wrong. I'm really not doing the one-shot concept much justice, am I? Anyways, the next chapter will definitely have us finishing with the Great Hall of Armaments and leading into the next adventure, which I'm definitely going to have some fun with. **

**In the meantime, here is a little fluff for you to be getting on with. Hope you enjoy and a big thank you to all of the readers, reviewers, favouriters and followers of this fic. I really and truly do appreciate each and every one of you. 3**

**Chapter THREE**

**THE GREAT HALL OF ARMAMENTS**** – ****PART III**

"Doctor!" called out Clara in distress, not able to comprehend what she was seeing. The Doctor couldn't be dead, he just couldn't.

"Yes?"

Clara whirled around at the sound of the Doctor's voice to find him standing in front of the TARDIS, which was now neatly parked on the black path. Bolting across the distance between them at record speed, Clara launched herself into the Doctor's arms. "You're alright!" she exclaimed emotionally, clinging to him, feet off the ground.

"The TARDIS does travel in space," pointed out the Doctor with a smile, even as he returned her delighted hug. "It's used to extremes of temperatures."

Clara flushed a little as she realised that was true and that this hug was going on for a little too long. "I know." She drew back, feet still dangling off the ground. "You can probably put me down now."

"Oh," said the Doctor, looking a little embarrassed, "yes, of course, right you are." He dropped her back down on the ground.

Strax appeared from inside the TARDIS, looking a little impatient. "Sir, the Great Hall awaits. Shouldn't we be getting on?"

The Doctor looked happy to have the distraction. "Tell you what, Strax," he said cheerfully, "why don't you go ahead and check out the lay of the land for Clara and myself, eh?"

Strax stepped out of the TARDIS and looked happy at that particular suggestion. "Excellent idea, sir. I will be the scouting party."

"And a wonderful scout I'm sure you'll make," said the Doctor agreeably. "On your way then."

Strax didn't need to be told twice as he took off down the black path as fast as his short legs could carry him.

"Ah," said the Doctor affectionately as he watched Strax run off with his ungainly gait to get to the armoury first, "see how happy the little fellow looks." He grinned down at Clara. "He'll sleep well tonight."

Clara couldn't help but laugh, in a better mood now they were out of that stupid hole and the Doctor wasn't burnt to a crisp. "I don't want to even think about what someone like Strax dreams about."

"Something unnecessarily violent I'm guessing," said the Doctor in amusement.

Clara wrinkled her nose prettily. "I'm glad Strax is happy and all and I'm even happier we're out of that hole but are we seriously going to spend the day looking at guns and weapons of mass destruction?"

"That's Strax's fun day out," the Doctor informed her. "I have entirely different plans for us."

Clara brightened. "You do?"

The Doctor slipped his arm through hers and turned them both around and started walking in the opposite direction, making sure to keep on the shiny black path this time. "Here's an interesting little fact. While Raiidan might house the most impressive museum of all things violent and life-ending, it is also famous for having some of the prettiest and most fun scenery in this part of the Universe."

Clara sent him a quizzical look. "In what way can scenery be fun?" She gazed sceptically at their grey surrounds. "And it's not exactly Cue Gardens."

The Doctor had walked Clara past the TARDIS and they were approaching the huge black gates of the wall which soared high above their heads. As they drew near to the gates, a hologram of some alien with a head not unlike a cod appeared. The alien was dressed all in white and addressed them in a modulated, cordial fashion. "Thank you, citizen, for visiting the Great Hall of Weapons. We hope our exhibit was of interest to you. Please maintain your current position while you are scanned."

Clara tensed as a beam of light emanated from the holographic figure and moved towards them. "What's happening, Doctor?" she asked anxiously.

"It's alright," he said chirpily. "Just doing a little body scan to check we haven't taken any unauthorised souvenirs from the museum. Wouldn't do to have someone stroll out of her with a cellular atomiser in their pocket, now would it?"

The blue light engulfed them both and then it abruptly disappeared.

"Thank you for your co-operation, citizen," said the fish alien easily. "May your day be without incident."

"Thank you," said the Doctor cheerily, "that's the plan." Still with his arm linked through Clara's, the two of them walked towards the now opening gates.

Clara sent a slightly worried look back over her shoulder as the heavy gates slowly lifted. "Are you sure it's alright to leave Strax alone in that place?"

"Absolutely, why wouldn't it be?"

Clara was still looking behind her at the huge monolith dedicated to killing and maiming others, standing tall amongst the grey landscape. "Because we're leaving a blood-thirsty soldier alone with thousands of weapons."

The Doctor remained unconcerned. "The Great Hall is extremely well guarded."

Clara looked back at him in surprise. "I didn't see anyone else there."

"Robotic sentinels," he explained easily. "You don't see them until they mean business." The Doctor smiled. "Now, enough about Strax, what do you make of this then?"

Clara followed the line of the Doctor's gaze to take in the scenery outside the Great Hall of Armaments. She gave a gasp of surprise at the amazing sight in front of her. Rolling hills of blue grass covered in trees which ranged in colour from orange to red to violet. Clumps of what looked to be this planets version of wild flowers in whites, pinks and greens, were dotted all around. At the bottom of hill Clara just realised they were on, was a purple lake, reflecting the colour of the lilac sky. Clara looked at the pretty coloured sky and then looked back over her shoulder to where the sky above the Great Hall was still a solemn grey colour. "The sky," she said in wonder, "how?"

The Doctor glanced back over his shoulder to take in the contrast between the two skies. "The Raiidians thought purple wasn't a reverent enough colour for such an important site, so they put in specially designed filters to change the colour of the sky directly over the Great Hall and its surrounding gardens to a suitably respectful grey colour." He nodded his head at the colourful scene in front of them. "This is how this planet normally looks, well, at least at this time of year."

"It's gorgeous," breathed Clara, trying to take in all that colour and the oddly shaped flora. It was like she'd fallen into a Dr Seuss story.

The Doctor nodded in approval as he surveyed their surroundings. "It is rather, isn't it?" He pulled the toboggan he was still holding onto out from under his arm. "Now, how about we have a little fun?"

Clara grinned. "Finally, the toboggan makes sense."

"Toboggans always make sense," said the Doctor with mock indignation. He laid it on the ground and climbed on board. The Doctor patted the space between his legs. "All aboard."

"We've just spent the better part of a morning trying to get out of a hole you put us in," Clara noted. "Do you really think I'm crazy enough to let you steer me down a hill on a bit of metal now?"

The Doctor seemed to give that careful thought before giving an emphatic reply. "Yes."

A huge smile split Clara's face. "Good call," she laughed and immediately jumped onto the toboggan. Settling between the Doctor's thighs, Clara looked down the hill, realising for the first time how steep it was. "You sure you know what you're doing?"

"Where's the fun in that?" he asked jovially.

Before Clara could question him on that point, the Doctor was pushing off and suddenly they were careening down the blue grass covered hill at a great speed. Clara squealed in delight as they sped down the hill, the scenery flashing past them in a kaleidoscope of colour. Even the smells in the air were amazing, like warm apple pie and puppies and cotton candy all coming at her in a delightful confusion of her senses. Clara didn't know if she was smelling the blue grass or the green flowers or even just the sunshine but she loved it. Her heart was pounding with excitement and fun, that was, until she realised they were running out of hill and heading directly towards that purple lake. "Doctor!" she called out with a note of anxiety in her voice. "The lake, we're going to go in!"

"I know," he yelled back in her ear. "Marvellous, isn't it?"

Clara didn't want to think how much it was going to hurt to hit that large body of water and she also didn't particularly want to get wet. "You have to stop!"

"Can't, no brakes!" shouted the Doctor gleefully and then it was too late.

Clara scrunched up her face and screamed, bracing for the impact with the water which would be very hard when they were travelling at the speed they were. The pain never came though, as suddenly Clara had the sensation of gliding now. Her eyes flew open and she realised they were actually skimming over the top of the violet waters, as though the surface was made of some kind of slick rubber. Clara gave a cry of surprise and pleasure as they continued to hurtle across the top of the lake, the wind in their faces and nothing to stop them. That was until Clara went to point to a funny looking bird-like creature with two sets of wings flying above them and unbalanced them both. Once the toboggan had a bit of a wiggle up, it only got worse and Clara suddenly found herself being tipped out of the toboggan and skidding across the top of the lake. It didn't hurt though, instead it was like being on a big, bouncy castle as she rolled to an eventual halt, the Doctor flying past her, still moving at a reasonable speed. He finally skidded to a halt some distance away from her and Clara knew he was alright because he gave a huge whoop of enjoyment.

Clara stood up, laughing like a school kid and took a moment to realise she was standing on a lake. She cautiously gave a little bounce, feeling the way the water accommodatingly bounced with her. It really was like being in a bouncy castle, only even though the water was acting like rubber, it felt like velvet. It was amazing. "This is brilliant!" she yelled out in wonder to the Doctor who was clambering to his feet.

"Told you!" he grinned as he bounced off to retrieve the toboggan.

Clara was getting into the bouncing more now, after seeing the Doctor confidently hopping about. "Why aren't we falling in?!" she called out to him.

The Doctor had the toboggan again and was now bouncing towards her. "It's a surface tension thing," he explained. "Our molecules can't get past the water tension. We're like those spiders which can walk across water, same principle."

Clara gasped as she saw something move below her. She stopped jumping and dropped to her knees, peering down into the purple-hazed depths. Clara could see strange, rounded coral-like structures and all around them were hundreds of funny fish-type creatures, all shapes and sizes. "Then how do they get down there?"

The Doctor was by her side now and looked down at the colourful world beneath their feet. "They've got a special skin which breaks the tension of the water." He grinned down at her. "I've got a couple of suits especially designed to do the same thing, it's a one size fits all kind of deal."

"You have?" asked Clara in delight. "You mean, we could go down there and take a look around?"

The Doctor's head bobbed up and down. "We could." He tilted his head to one side and tapped a finger against his lips. "Although, if memory serves, those things are a devil to get into. They're so tight it takes at least an hour or two and once you're in the suits, you invariably remember you have to pee."

"Sounds like a blast," said Clara in amusement.

The Doctor stuck out his hand to her. "Ready to go again?"

Clara eagerly grabbed a hold of his hand and let the Doctor help her to her feet. "Yes, please." She looked down at the toboggan. "Are you sure that thing can take another go round though? It's had a big day."

The Doctor looked at the toboggan in his hand and smiled. "It's especially reinforced, from the time I used it to escape a lava monster in Waayles."

Clara's eyebrows shot up. "Wales has lava monsters? Since when?"

"No, no, Waayles, pretty planet about a few million light years from here," explained the Doctor blithely. "We should go there some time."

"What about the lava monsters?" asked Clara hesitantly.

"Oh, yes, them, good point," mused the Doctor. "We might skip a visit to Waayles after all. The Abaari can be completely unreasonable when you catch them on a bad day and when you're made of lava, just about every day is a bad one. They can't even blow their noses without it turning into a catastrophe."

"Right then, so we stay here and have some more fun." Clara grabbed the toboggan off the Doctor. "My turn to drive."

"Hey!" protested the Doctor. "It's a tricky thing, steering a toboggan, you have to know what you're doing."

Clara gave an inelegant snort. "You drove us into a lake."

"On purpose," huffed the Doctor.

Clara put a hand on her hip and gave him a pointed look.

"Alright, fine, I was aiming for the bushes over there, but that still doesn't mean-"

"All aboard!" Clara interrupted him cheekily as she put the toboggan down and climbed onto it.

"Wait for me," said the Doctor hastily as he took the front seat, between Clara's legs. He twisted back to look over his shoulder. "See, with me sitting here, you can't even see where you're going."

Clara grinned up at him, eyes sparkling with excitement. "That's just how I like it. Now then, Mr. Legs, be a good boy and gives us a push off." She was pretty certain that even a simple push would have them skimming across this lake top like no one's business. There was little to no resistance on the surface of this purple lake so it wasn't going to take much. The Doctor obligingly pushed off with one leg and they were indeed sent hurtling across the lake surface once more. Clara laughed and wrapped her arms around the Doctor's waist, holding on tightly as they skidded about with gay abandon. An hour later they'd tobogganed, bounced, slid and jumped all over the place and Clara was out of breath and exhausted but having the time of her life. She clambered up the bank of the lake and threw herself down on the soft grass. Clara grinned over at the Doctor as he plopped down beside her, still trying to catch her breath. The Doctor's hair was all over the place, clothes askew and eyes brimming with childish glee.

He nudged her playfully with his shoulder. "What did I tell you, fun scenery."

"Soo much fun," agreed Clara whole-heartedly. She looked up at the purple sky and gave a contented sigh. Everything felt right with the universe in that moment and Clara felt a pang of guilt for her bad mood earlier when the Doctor had given her such a fun day. Clara wrinkled her nose. "I'm sorry."

"What for?" asked the Doctor absently, face tilted up towards the red sun with his eyes closed.

"For being a bit of a pain earlier," said Clara unhappily. "You know, in the hole."

"I told you to stand on my head," said the Doctor carelessly. "That wasn't your fault. Besides, you got us out of that hole." He pursed his lips. "Well, briefly anyways but it still counts."

"No, I mean before that, when I was being a bit sensitive about things." Clara moved a little uncomfortably and pulled absently at some of the blue grass, just to have something to do. "I was in a mood and I was taking it out on you."

"That's alright," said the Doctor easily. "No harm done."

Clara took a deep breath, steadying herself to tell the Doctor the real reason for her bad mood. She didn't know what he'd make of it all but Clara just had this compulsion to tell the Doctor everything. "It's just that, when we popped home before coming here, I found out-" The rest of Clara's explanation was cut off by the scream of what was the most terrifying siren Clara had ever heard. She actually started in shock. "What's that?" she squeaked. Clara's face clouded over. "That's not an alarm telling us everything is okay, is it?"

The Doctor looked worried as he leapt to his feet. "I'm afraid not."

"It's Strax, isn't it?" asked Clara in resignation.

"We don't know that for sure," argued the Doctor. The sirens became even more hysterical. "No," he conceded unhappily, "it's Strax." The Doctor started to run back towards the Great Hall. "Come on!"

Giving up on telling the Doctor what was bothering her, Clara ran after him and hoped that alarm was overstating the seriousness of the situation... but somehow she doubted it.


	5. CHAPTER 4 - The Great Hall of Armaments

**A/N****: Thanks for checking out how this whole thing turns out, guys and I hope you'll check out the next adventure when it's up. :)**

**Chapter FOUR**

**THE GREAT HALL OF ARMAMENTS**** – ****PART IV**

Clara shook her head. "What could he have done?" she asked, jumping to her feet and chasing after the Doctor. They were both half running and half jumping to get back up the hill to the gate of the monument. Clara groaned. "I don't think I want to know."

"I'm sure we can sort it all out in a jiffy," said the Doctor brightly.

"You do?" asked Clara hopefully as she did her best to keep up with him.

"No," he replied without hesitation. "The Raiidans are completely humourless about etiquette breeches. They're a shoot first, ask questions later kind of people."

"Oh yay," panted Clara and then she was saving the rest of her breath until they made it back to the huge gate they'd strolled through so easily before. She watched the Doctor pull out his screwdriver and start to take some readings. "Why-why isn't opening?" she gasped unevenly.

"It's on lock down," said the Doctor, taking in the readings from his screwdriver intently. "Nothing in, nothing out."

"What are we going to do?"

"Why, get in, of course." He held out his hand to her. "Give me the toboggan."

Clara blinked. "I don't have it."

"You left it behind?" squawked the Doctor. "What were you thinking, Clara?"

"I was thinking it was your toboggan and you could carry it," she shot back. "Besides, what good would a toboggan do to get us over this wall?" Clara craned her head right back to be able to see the top of the huge structure.

"I guess we'll never know now," said the Doctor a little snippily. "Never mind, I have another plan."

"You do?" asked Clara in relief.

The Doctor's fingers were nervously twitching about, a sure sign he was agitated. "No, not yet, but something will come to me."

Clara stared at the Doctor expectantly even as they were both nearly being deafened by the scream of the sirens on the other side of the wall. "Can't you use your spanner thingy to open the door?" asked Clara in frustration when the Doctor took too long to come up with his plan.

"It's a screwdriver," he said indignantly, "not a magic wand. I can't just wave it at something and fix everything."

"You haven't even tried."

"This is a class A security system. It's not going to be vulnerable to a sonic screwdriver," he argued.

"Maybe because it is so big and full of technology, they'd never think to protect itself against a screwdriver?" threw back Clara. "Like a brick being thrown through a glass display box being protected by lasers." She gave him a shove. "Go on, give it a go."

"It won't work," protested the Doctor.

"Oh come on," said Clara in frustration. "You whip that thing out every chance you get. I saw you use it to heat up your tea this morning and then you scratched yourself with it. You love that thing."

The Doctor hugged his sonic screwdriver to himself. "And what if I do? We've been through a lot together."

Clara rolled her eyes. "Boys and their toys." She made a grab for it. "Here, let me have a go." Clara pulled the sonic screwdriver out of the unsuspecting Doctor's hand.

"No!" he yelped. "You don't know what you're doing. You'll break it."

Clara frowned as she took the brightly lit device in her hand and randomly pressed a couple of buttons before giving it a violent shake. Suddenly, the heavy door beside them slid up, granting them entrance into the gardens of the Great Hall of Armaments.

"What did you do?" asked the Doctor in amazement.

"I don't know," squeaked Clara.

Abruptly, pieces of door frame started to twitch and shudder, as though they had a mind of their own. Clara watched in disbelief as bits broke off and dropped to the floor as little black balls of shiny metal which then promptly started to roll along the black path as though they had a mind of their own.

The Doctor grabbed her hand. "That's not good." He tugged Clara through the doorway which was beginning to fill up with even more of these black balls but these were now merging together to form shiny metal creatures which looked not unlike praying mantises.

It occurred to Clara that she might not have opened that gate after all, and that in fact, it was the next level of defence for the museum. The Doctor certainly wasn't letting them hang around as he dragged her along behind him. "The robotic sentinels have been initiated," he shouted over his shoulder to her, confirming Clara's worst fears. "This could get a bit tricky from now on." The Doctor stopped running without warning and Clara banged in to him.

"Hey!" she said in surprise. "Watch it."

"I think we've found our problem."

Clara was still rubbing her nose from their collision when she followed where the Doctor was now pointing to. "Oh," she said in dismay. Clara couldn't help but stare at what would have been the comical sight of Strax running hell for leather on his short little legs off in the distance, while being chased down by scurrying metal bugs. Strax was holding some kind of long rifle looking thing in one hand. She suspected it wasn't going to be so funny if they caught the light-fingered Sontaran though. Clara watched him zig-zag back and forth in disbelief. "What possible game plan could Strax have when he stole that thing?" she asked, shaking her head. "There is no way out."

The Doctor grimaced. "Sontarans generally assume that their enemies will realise their inferiority and simply allow themselves to be killed by their armies."

"I don't think those metal things are going to realise their inferiority anytime soon," fretted Clara. The black metal balls from the gate whizzed by them, intent on joining in on chasing down the thief with their metal bug siblings. "What are we going to do?"

The Doctor sighed heavily. "Save him, I suppose."

"I kinda assumed that, I was more asking how?"

"Excellent question, Clara," he replied brightly.

Clara wasn't fooled. "You don't know how, do you?"

"I don't like to over think these things."

"Why does that not surprise me?"

The Doctor took hold of her hand again. "Come on, to the TARDIS."

That seemed as good as a plan as any to Clara as she let the Doctor pull her towards the TARDIS which was a little way down the black path.

"We're coming, Strax!" yelled the Doctor. "Don't panic!"

"I believe I have them fearing for their lives, sir!" called back Strax with his usual one-eyed view of things. "Victory will be mine soon."

Clara took in the massing metal creatures and pulled a face. "It soo isn't going to be." They were at the TARDIS now and the Doctor was racing in, Clara hot on his heels. "Do you have a plan yet?"

The Doctor was madly throwing switches. "Yes, we're going to fly over, pick up Strax and then get out of here."

Clara's head bobbed up and down in approval. "Good plan." She was forced to grab onto the railing as the TARDIS lurched into flight.

"Come here," said the Doctor, "and hold her steady while I get Strax."

Clara pulled a face. "Are you sure?"

"Do you think you can help pull Strax up into the TARDIS?"

"I'll take the controls," conceded Clara. She ran over to the console where the Doctor had his hand on a lever.

"Just hold this steady," he instructed her. "It's easy."

"Okay." Clara took hold of the lever and was surprised how heavy it was. The TARDIS jerked forward as she lost hold of the lever.

The Doctor fell against her as they both struggled to keep upright. "Not like that!"

"I'm trying, I'm trying!" she shouted back at him, this time using both hands to try and hold the TARDIS steady.

The Doctor tapped the small screen in front of her. "Watch the monitor and keep her straight."

Clara nodded as she could see on the monitor they were now heading towards the still running Strax. "Got it."

"Good girl," said the Doctor happily and then he was bolting towards the TARDIS doors. He flung them open. "STRAX!" he yelled out. "UP HERE!"

Clara watched on the monitor and saw Strax look up even as the metal bugs behind him started to throw out threads of black material, trying to hook a hold of the wayward Sontaran.

The Doctor dropped to his stomach, half hanging out of the door. "Take her down a bit, Clara."

Clara gritted her teeth and did battle with the clunky controls of the TARDIS. She was forced to brace herself with one foot against the console as she tried to move the lever down ever so slightly. There was an abrupt drop by the TARDIS, despite Clara's best attempts to be light-handed.

"Careful!" shouted the Doctor.

"I'm trying," said Clara through gritted teeth. "This thing is a tank!"

The TARDIS was now bouncing along directly in front of Strax, just above his head height, as the metal bugs continued their relentless pursuit of the absconding alien. The Doctor was shouting instructions to him. "Grab hold of the TARDIS, Strax, we'll pull you up."

"Very good, sir," panted Strax. He managed to lurch up into the air and take hold of the bottom of the doorway into the TARDIS just as one of those metal threads managed to finally make contact. Strax clung to the TARDIS with one hand and the stolen weapon with the other while more and more of those black threads wrapped themselves around his feet and lower legs. The robotic sentinels were determined that Strax shouldn't leave with the weapon. The TARDIS started to drag a little as the metal threads pulled back with more and more force. From what Clara could see, Strax was being turned into a Christmas day cracker but there was unlikely to be a paper hat and a whistle inside when he popped.

"Stax, let go of the Ark bazooka this instance!" the Doctor ordered him firmly.

"Never!"

"You'll kill us all!" shouted back the Doctor as he tried to keep a hold of Strax while even more of those threads wrapped themselves around the stubborn Sontaran's body.

"A glorious and worthwhile death, sir!" said Strax triumphantly.

"Oi!" snapped Clara, who was still struggling with the controls. "Speak for yourself, mate. I'm not dying over some stupid gun."

"It is a Level 5 weapon of mass destruction," shouted back Strax indignantly. "It is worth the death of thousands to obtain."

"No souvenirs, Strax," reprimanded the Doctor grimly. "Those are the rules." He started hitting at the bazooka. "Now, let it go!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"I'll die first!"

"Yes, you will!" shouted the Doctor in frustration.

"Doctor," gasped Clara, arms shaking from the strain of holding the lever at bay, "I don't think I can hold this for much longer." The TARDIS was starting to shudder and shake from side to side.

"Strax, I order you to relinquish that gun!" the Doctor shouted at him.

"A Sontaran warrior never gives up his weapon, sir!" said Strax defiantly, even as the black threads were now circling around his waist and chest, sneaking their way to his not inconsiderable neck. "It is not the Sontaran way."

"That's because there are usually millions of you in a battle," bit out the Doctor in frustration as he clung frantically to the obstinate alien. "You can afford to lose a few hundred thousand but there is only one of you in this, Strax. Please, be reasonable!"

"Sonta-HA, Sonta-HA, Sonta-HA!"

"Oh," grunted the Doctor, "we're at the chanting part, that's never useful for an open dialogue."

This was ridiculous, they were never going to talk Strax out of trying to keep the weapon so in Clara's head, there was only one thing to do when you couldn't beat them – join them. "Strax, the robotic sentinels have you in an unwinnable situation," she called out to him urgently. "Time for a new game plan. Let go of the bazooka and then the TARDIS will be free to circle back around and open fire with its laser cannons, destroying your enemy and being able to retrieve the weapon of mass destruction for the glory of the Sontaran Fleet!"

The Doctor looked back over his shoulder from where he was still trying to wrestle Strax on board. "We don't have ca-"

"Shut up!" hissed Clara, sending him a pointed look.

"Oh right," said the Doctor hastily, catching onto Clara's plan. "The canons, yes, absolutely, we'll level those robot sentinels, Strax. You just have to give the appearance of giving in at first, so we can catch them by surprise when we renew out attack."

"An excellent and cunning strategy, sir," said Strax in delight. "We shall show no mercy."

"So let go of the gun, you moron!" yelled Clara, not able to hold onto the TARDIS for a minute longer.

"Sir, I object to being ordered about by this insignificant underling who-"

"Just do it, Strax!" roared the Doctor.

"Very well," grumbled Strax, "but this is going into my field report, you mark my words." He finally let go of the bazooka and the black threads immediately wrapped themselves around the piece of dangerous tech, completely losing interest in the Sontarans. This meant Strax could use his now freed other hand to grab a hold of the TARDIS, which he did. The Doctor helped to haul the weighty solider back onto the TARDIS and then hastily closed the doors behind him. Strax rolled to his feet as the Doctor ran over to help the struggling Clara with the controls.

"I've got it," he told her, taking charge and promptly causing the TARDIS to swing violently to one side, sending everyone toppling over. The Doctor leapt to his feet. "Sorry, got it this time, no problem." He flipped a few more switches and the TARDIS evened out, the rotors above them spinning more easily now as the time machine was launched into a proper orbit. The Doctor was by Clara's side, helping her stand up. "There you go, all sorted, nothing could be-"

"Easier," groaned Clara, rubbing her backside which she'd been dumped on rather unceremoniously that last time. "I remember how it goes."

Strax, meanwhile, was eagerly trotting around the console room, looking this way and that. "Sir, I will man the laser cannons," he volunteered with enthusiasm. The Doctor and Clara watched Strax make two full rotations of the room before he came to a bewildered halt. "Sir, I am unable to locate the laser cannons. I recommend starting to tear panelling off walls immediately."

"That won't be necessary, Strax, because the TARDIS doesn't have any laser cannons," said the Doctor practically.

Strax looked genuinely shocked. "But, sir, the plan. How can it be executed without laser cannons?"

"Our plan was to get you into the TARDIS and for you not to kill us all," said Clara flatly. "So, our plan has worked out very nicely, thanks for asking."

Strax sucked in an outraged breath. "You tricked me." He jabbed an angry finger at Clara. "This means a fight to the death. I shall fetch the rancid Quizlers and it will be a duel to the death, boy!"

"What's a Quizler?" asked Clara with a frown. "And why are they rancid exactly?"

"It's a kind of parasite that burrows into your-" the Doctor shook his head. "Never mind, it's not important because there isn't going to be any kind of duel."

"This is an outrage!" blustered Strax. "Military protocol states that I can demand a right to crush my opponent into a bloodied mush of broken bone and teeth."

Clara made a disgusted face. "Ick."

"Clara saved you, Strax," said the Doctor determinedly. He looked over at her and smiled in appreciation. "She saved us both with her quick thinking."

Clara couldn't help but return the Doctor's smile at hearing him praise her like that.

"The boy lied to me," said a still very indignant Strax.

"To save your life," pointed out the Doctor.

"I know," said Strax in horror, "could there be a more humiliating reason to turn against your comrade in arms."

Clara rolled her eyes at Strax's continued carrying on. "If it'll make you feel better I can open the TARDIS doors and push you out now. Get that glorious death you're always so eager for."

Strax pointed an imperious finger at her. "Don't try and get on my good side now, boy," he snapped. "I want none of your offers of placation. Only your death or a painful dismemberment will satisfy in making this indignity right."

"Yeah, right, whatever," sniffed Clara.

"Cower before me, puny human!" roared Strax, going a little red in the face now. "I am your superior in every way!"

The Doctor stepped between the two feuding shipmates and held up his hands. "That's enough," he said sharply. "There is to be no more threatening of each other's lives on board the TARDIS. We're all going to get along, do you hear me?"

Clara shrugged. "He started it."

"I did not," said Strax indignantly, "but I will take much pleasure in finishing it, boy."

"Strax, go to your room," said the Doctor sharply. He pulled a bottle of hard lollies out of a drawer under the console. "You can take this bottle of fizzy sherbets of Miss Jenny's if you run along quietly."

Strax glowered at him. "I am not a child to be coerced by sweet things," he grunted. Nonetheless, Strax stomped his way out of the console room, grabbing the jar of lollies from the Doctor as he went by. "Unacceptable chain of command," he muttered under his breath as he left.

Clara looked over at the Doctor once he was gone and put her hands on her hips. "Well, that's gone swimmingly."

The Doctor grinned. "I thought so too."

"I was being sarcastic."

"Oh," the Doctor's smile slipped, "where you?"

"We almost died," she exclaimed.

"And do you know what the most important word in that sentence was?" asked the Doctor blithely.

"Died?"

"Almost," he corrected her, "almost, obviously." The Doctor walked up to Clara and put his arm around her shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "Our next outing is going to be brilliant, you wait and see."

"And what are you basing that assertion on exactly?" asked Clara sceptically.

"A bad dress rehearsal always mean it's going to be a problem-free opening night," he explained easily. "Everyone knows that."

"Why do I feel like this play is 'Frankenstein'?" she asked dryly.

The Doctor winked at her. "As long as it's not 'Cats', I think we should be fine."

Clara laughed despite her concerns. "I hope you're right, Doctor."

The Doctor hooked his thumbs into his suspenders, a big confident smile breaking out across his face. "When am I ever not right, Clara Oswald?"

"You can't possibly want me to answer that truthfully."

"You had fun today," protested the Doctor. "I said you would."

"In between those terrifying bouts of fearing for my life, yes, I had fun," said Clara with a roll of her eyes.

"You see," said the Doctor smugly. "I was right."

Clara shook her head and couldn't help but smile. "You're impossible."

The Doctor grinned. "Maybe just a little bit," he conceded playfully. "But I promise, next stop will be nothing but smooth sailing."

_More famous last words were never uttered..._

**Next Chapter: THE BATTLE OF ISLANDLWANA (It's a real battle – check it out ;) and we'll find out what's been bothering Clara)**


	6. CHAPTER 5 - The Battle of IIslandlwana

**A/N****: Okay, so forever since I updated this fic, so sorry about that, folks. I've been knee deep in my Dexter fic which is a totally different kettle of fish to the world of DW. **

**Anyways, watching some YT clips, I became inspired to continue on with this story, plus a couple of gentle prods from some very kind reviewers helped motivate me to get on with it. **

**This is just some more silliness which I hope you'll enjoy. Thank you as always for reading...**

**Chapter FIVE**

**THE BATTLE OF ISLANDLWANA – Part I**

"More tea, my love?"

Vastra smiled and shook her head. "No, thank you, my dear."

Jenny poured herself another cup of the hot amber liquid and settled back in her chair. She looked around the conservatory where they were taking their morning tea. "Isn't it quiet, ma'am. I never realised how noisy Strax was with all that stomping of those big feet of his."

Vastra gave a little nod of approval. "It is indeed most agreeably peaceful."

"I wonder how the Doctor and Clara are going with Strax?" mused Jenny thoughtfully.

"The Doctor has caused the fall of entire empires and stood his ground in front of the most vile and blood-thirsty of foes," noted Vastra. "He is resourceful, cunning and determined in the face of all adversity."

"Yeah," agreed Jenny ruefully, "I bet he's regretting helping us too." The two women shared a smile.

A tortoise-shell kitten wandered into the room and rubbed the length of its tiny body against Jenny's ankles. Jenny put down her cup of tea and picked up the purring creature. She scratched under its soft neck, causing the purring to grow louder.

Vastra's look was indulgent as she watched Jenny cuddle the content kitten. "You know we can't keep him, my love. When Strax returns, it will not be safe for little Montague to share the same roof with a creature of Strax's particular appetites."

"I know," said Jenny with a regretful sigh as she rubbed the kitten against her face, "but we'll have to find Monty a good home when the time comes."

"Of course we will," said Vastra without hesitation. The sound of the front door bell being rung interrupted their conversation.

Jenny set Monty down onto the ground and dusted herself off as she stood up. "I'll see who that is, ma'am."

Monty wandered over and was now happily rubbing up against Vastra's long skirts. Vastra reached down from her chair and scratched behind its ear, eliciting fresh purring and more rubbing. "You are rather sweet and very affectionate," she conceded, "but unfortunately Strax was here first, little one. I promise you there will be a good home found for you though. You're not to worry about that."

The kitten didn't seem intent on worrying about much as it sauntered off and found a beam of sunlight on the floor and stretched out in the golden rays and promptly fell apart.

Jenny reappeared. "It's the Inspector, ma'am, says there's been a murder, two in fact. The victims, they were turned to stone and he thought you might be able to help."

Vastra tilted her head. "Stone you say, that is curious."

"Shall a fetch your coat, Madam?"

"Indeed, Jenny, let us take a closer look at this case of stone corpses." Vastra stood up to walk with Jenny out of the room, leaving Monty contentedly soaking up his sunbeam without a care in the world.

**oooOOOOooo**

Clara stepped out of her morning shower and quickly dried herself off. At least, she assumed it was a morning shower. In the TARDIS it was quite hard to differentiate the passing of time. She dressed herself and then tied her long, dark hair up into an easy pony tail. With a final check in the mirror of her appearance, Clara went to leave her room and find out what the Doctor and Strax were up to. Neither seemed to have much need for sleep, so she'd left them to it hours ago, crawling into her own bed for some much needed rest. The lack of the gentle hum of the TARDIS's engines told her they were stationary somewhere and her innate curiosity had her wondering where. On her way to the door, she passed by the side table next to her bed and couldn't help but notice the off-white envelope still lying there. Clara hesitated and then picked it up, turning the stiff envelope over and over in her hands. "You're being stupid," she muttered to herself in annoyance, "just throw it out and be done with it." That was good advice but despite her best intentions Clara lay the envelope back down on the side table, knowing her mood wasn't going to improve until she faced what lay inside.

Clara grimaced as she walked out of the room and weaved her way through the many corridors which would ultimately take her to the centre console room. She felt guilty about being a bit snippy with the Doctor yesterday. Yes, they almost died in a hole and then almost died in the same hole again and then she almost crashed the TARDIS while trying to save a stubborn Strax but she'd had a lot of fun between all of that. The Doctor really only did seem to want to please her and she was being ungrateful, taking her bad mood out on him, rather than face her real issue. Clara knew she should probably try and talk to the Doctor again about what had been bothering her and she made up her mind to do just that as she finally made it to the console room. "Doctor?" she called out, looking around. Only silence greeted her. "Strax?" Clara peered down underneath the console to the area on the level below. The Doctor could often be found down there, tinkering with this, fiddling with that but today he was nowhere to be seen. Clara walked over to the TARDIS door, wondering if the other two occupants of the craft were outside. She didn't know exactly where or when outside might be but that was the thrill of travelling with the Doctor. Clara pulled open the door of the TARDIS just as a spear whistled by her ear. She gave a strangled cry at the close call, looking over her shoulder to see the spear now lodged in the TARDIS console.

"INCOMING!"

Clara looked back out the door to see the Doctor about fifty feet away and making a mad dash for the TARDIS. Behind him was a lumbering Strax, struggling to keep up with the long-legged Gallifreyan and behind them both was a huge crowd of angry looking natives with spears and arrows, chasing them down. Clara's eyes went wide but she had just enough time to step back out of the way before the Doctor pelted inside, several arrows accompanying him. He whirled around and shouted back out the door. "Faster, Strax, move those stumpy legs of yours!"

"I am coming, sir!" yelled back Strax excitedly. "They are falling into our trap!"

"Trap?" repeated Clara uncertainly as Strax finally made it through the door, allowing the Doctor to slam the door closed at last.

The Doctor leaned back against the door, breathing unevenly. "We're not trapping them, Strax, we're running away from them."

"Retreat?!" roared an outraged Strax. "Unacceptable! I demand you open that door and allow me to dispatch these savages."

"There is over a thousand of them," said the Doctor in exasperation.

"I know," said Strax gleefully, "the carnage shall be most gratifying."

"What's happening?" asked Clara in confusion. "Where are we?"

"The Battle of Isandlwana, 1879," said the Doctor casually, pushing himself away from the door. He waggled his finger at Strax. "And no, you're not going back out there."

Strax gasped. "Then I wish to lodge a formal complaint on this matter."

"Lodge away," said the Doctor easily, "but those doors stay closed." He walked up to the TARDIS console and pulled a face as he examined the spear sticking out from it. "My darling girl," he lamented, "what's happened to you?"

"The battle of what?" asked Clara, walking up to stand with the Doctor as he took stock of the damage.

"Isandlwana," repeated the Doctor absently as he observed the spear from several different angles. "It was the first major brouhaha between the British Empire and the Zulu Kingdom. Twenty thousand Zulu warriors attacked a British main column, totally wiping them out."

"Oh," said Clara in distress, "that's horrible."

The Doctor was more philosophical about the matter. He gave a little shrug, still concentrating on the spear. "That's humans for you. You're quite a vicious lot when the mood takes you."

"Can't you stop it?"

"Fixed point in time," muttered the Doctor, "no tinkering allowed with fixed points in time."

"I can't believe you took me here," said Clara unhappily.

The Doctor looked up at her, finally taking his attention off the state of the centre console. "I didn't," he protested. "I took Strax. The idea was we'd get a nice safe vantage point to view the whole thing while you were sleeping." The Doctor looked her over. "Did you sleep well?" He cocked his head curiously. "You look all flushed and not rested at all."

"That's because I nearly caught a spear with my face," said Clara flatly. "I don't tend to find that kind of thing restful."

The Doctor grimaced. "Ah yes, lucky miss that." He turned back to the console. "But not for my TARDIS unfortunately."

"Sir, I really must protest this act of cowardice," said Strax, still eager for a fight. "I recommend gathering all of our weapons and then the three of us going out in a blaze of bloody glory."

"Recommendation noted and ignored," responded the Doctor to which Strax made a grunt of indignation.

"It's your own fault for taking us to such a horrible place at all," continued on Clara, not offering up any sympathy and ignoring Strax along with the Doctor.

"Strax came to me with seven different things he wanted to see and this was the least horrifyingly bloodletting of them all," he responded.

"But it's going to be a massacre," gasped Clara.

The Doctor arched an eyebrow. "Which should give you some kind of idea of the suggestions I vetoed." He looked back at the spear and bent over, scratching his cheek with one finger as he pondered the options. "Now then, removing this is going to be a bit tricky. It's lodged itself into the TARDIS's matter converter."

"Can't you just get us out of here first and fix this later?" asked Clara, unhappy to think of all of that death going on outside the door.

"I can't fly the TARDIS in this state," said the Doctor in horror. "She's been wounded."

"Sir, I wish to lodge a complaint about the summary dismissal of my plan for a glorious death," continued on a relentless Strax.

"The rest of the console is lit up," argued Clara. "How badly damaged can she be?"

The Doctor pointed a finger at Strax. "You, no death, glorious or otherwise." His finger was now pointing at Clara. "And you, the TARDIS is a delicate and complicated machine which you know nothing about. If I say she can't fly in this state, then she can't fly."

"Oh for heaven's sake," said Clara in exasperation, "stop babying the thing." She grabbed for the spear, intending to yank it free from the console.

The Doctor grabbed for her arm to stop her. "NO!"

At the same time Strax pulled on the Doctor's arm to get his attention. "Sir, I wish to lodge a new complaint about the summary dismissal of my original two complaints-"

In a split second, all three of them were touching as Clara pulled the spear out of the console. Sparks lit up the space around them and then suddenly a huge jolt ran through Clara's entire body. She felt herself being flung backwards, off her feet and across the room as stars exploded in front of her eyes. Her whole body bristled with energy and then everything went black as she connected against the wall of the TARDIS, the breath leaving her body in a rush. Clara slowly came to, a ringing in her ears accompanying the fluttering of her eyes. She had no idea how long she'd been out for but as she attempted to sit up she felt decidedly odd. "Doctor?" she mumbled, finding her mouth to be strangely familiar. Clara blinked blearily about, trying to see if her companions were okay.

"Clara, Clara, are you alright?"

The anxious question had Clara sitting straight upright. The question was asked in a woman's voice, her voice to be exact. Clara tried to focus on the blob over to her left, quickly realising that blob was actually her. "Wh-what is going on?" Her voice was decidedly odd now, too low and rumbling. Clara looked down at her body and saw the silver space suit and the thick-set body, abruptly realising she was looking at Strax's body. A blood curdling scream left her lips. "Oh my God!" she cried out. "What has happened to me?"

Suddenly the other Clara was by her side, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. "It's alright, Clara, there's just been a little mishap." She looked over at the console. "Apparently."

Clara's brain was struggling to comprehend what was going on. "A mishap?" she squeaked. Clara looked up at her own face. "Who are you, what are you doing in my body?" she asked unevenly.

"It's me, it's the Doctor."

Clara made a distressed sound. "What are you doing in my body?"

"I told you, the spear was lodged in the matter converter," said Doctor/Clara.

"I don't know what that is," said a still reeling Clara/Strax.

"It's what lets the TARDIS be bigger on the inside than the out," explained Doctor/Clara. She held out a hand to help him up. "It's short-circuited and-"

"And what?" demanded Clara/Strax. "Made us swap bodies? That's not possible," she said in agitation and then stopped. "Is that possible?"

Doctor/Clara scratched her head. "It would seem so."

"But you can fix it, right?" asked Clara/Strax anxiously. She looked down at her stout body, feeling the panic well up inside of her. "Right?"

"Oh yes," said Doctor/Clara jovially, "most likely."

"Most likely?" repeated Clara in disbelief. "You mean you're not sure?"

"Oh no, I'm sure," said Doctor/Clara, hastily backtracking. "This will be a snap." She looked back over her shoulder at the still smoking console. "Probably," Doctor/Clara muttered a little less encouragingly. She started to pat at her chest. "I just need my screwdriver-"

Clara/Strax's eyes went wide. "Oi!" he yelled. "Get your hands off them, mister!"

Doctor/Clara looked at him blankly. "What?"

Clara/Strax glared at him. "Those are_ not_ sonic screwdrivers!"

Doctor/Clara looked down to where her hands were covering her breasts. She made a gargled sound and immediately snapped her hands away, sticking them above her head and looking simultaneously contrite and embarrassed. "Sorry, sorry, forgot where I was for a moment."

"I don't believe this," said a horrified Clara/Strax. Watching yourself getting felt up was a decidedly odd experience. She didn't know what to do with those particular emotions.

"I didn't mean anything by it," said Doctor/Clara hastily. "I forgot they were there."

"What, you saying my breasts are insignificant?" said Clara/Strax, choosing to pick a fight because she didn't know what else to do right then.

"Oh no," said Doctor/Clara blithely, hands still above her head, "they were anything but insignificant. Quite the opposite in fact, more than a handful."

"Doctor!"

Clara watched herself blush furiously as a flustered Doctor/Clara tried to explain himself. "I mean, probably because you've got tiny hands. I'm sure if I was to use my actual hands on your breasts-"

"Shut up!" ordered an incredibly embarrassed Clara.

"Not that I would," continued on Doctor/Clara, still blushing furiously. "I've never even noticed you had them until right now. If anyone had asked me about your breasts before this, I wouldn't have been able to say about them one way or the other. "

"Why are you still talking?" groaned Clara/Strax.

"Panic response."

"Please stop."

"I"m trying." Doctor/Clara gave him a stressed look. "Can I put my hands down now, please?"

"Yes," snapped Clara/Strax, "but just you remember to keep those things to yourself."

The Doctor/Clara lowered her arms but kept them uncomfortably positioned away from her body, clearly nervous about making the same mistake twice.

Suddenly there was a loud groan and from the other side of the console, the figure of a mussed up Doctor appeared. "Sir," he grunted unsteadily, "I fear we are under attack-". Strax/Doctor stopped talking abruptly as he caught sight of his own body looking back at him. "What in the orange moon of Extaris is going on?" he asked sharply. "Why is my body over there when I am over here?" Strax/Doctor looked down at his body and visibly started. "Sir, sir, something is horribly wrong. I fear I have mutated into a hideous creature." Strax/Doctor's head snapped up. "I must kill myself immediately."

"Oh no you don't," said Doctor/Clara sharply, "that's my body you're wearing and you're going to take good care of it until I can put us all back where we belong."

"Which is going to be really easy and really quick," Clara/Strax pushed him. "Right, Doctor?"

Doctor/Clara fixed a bright smile to her lips. "Oh, absolutely," she said without hesitation.

"Are you lying?" asked a worried Clara/Strax.

"Oh, absolutely," said Doctor/Clara with even less hesitation.

Clara/Strax groaned and buried her large, potato-shaped head in her stumpy hands.

**A/N****: I really hope what I've gone with here and the way I've written it is making sense to you all. It's quite a visual thing this story but I've opted to do the Clara/Strax, Strax/Doctor, Doctor/Clara thing so the first name you read is who is really talking and the second is whose body they're in. Gee, that's not confusing at all, don't know why I was worried. . **

**Anyways, hope you'll hang around to see what happens next...**


End file.
